


Unforgivable

by levicas



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Civil War (Marvel), Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 23:58:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6728518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levicas/pseuds/levicas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has been struggling with his feelings of guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unforgivable

Steve was a beautiful creature. And, of course, Bucky remembered everything. He remembered so much that it was starting to become painful. Happy memories of a childhood shared with another. Then later, brawls outside bars, fights in back alleys. Bucky had always been there to patch up Steve's wounds and call him an idiot. Even then, small and sharp, Steve had been beautiful. Especially on the inside. Good and honest. All the things Bucky was not. And now, Steve was a hero. Beside him, Bucky was a monster.

Guilt was a weapon as much as it was a motivator. And he was determined not to let his guilt render him useless, he would do all he could to atone for the things he'd done. He wouldn't run from them. But he'd fight. Keep fighting, always fighting. As long as he was alive, there was the possibility for redemption. Steve was the first step for that. He knew, logically, that Steve had forgiven him. It was written all over his actions, how he defended Bucky, always running to his aid as Bucky had once run to his. But, having said that, Steve didn't know everything. Bucky had killed _children_. He remembered their faces, their pleas. He remembered how they'd cried. And he hadn't cared.

He needed Steve to say it, to prove it.

His near constant mantra of "It wasn't you, Buck," was no longer enough. Because it _was_ him. And he could've fought harder, like Steve would have. He had given up too soon, let them alter him just so it would make the pain stop. Steve would never have fallen victim to that old ploy. And if Bucky was half as good as Steve was he'd have had the good sense to shoot himself in the head and be done with it. For some reason, Bucky clung to life like it was all he had left. As long as there was life, there was hope. 

Funny, that such a monster should say that to himself so he could sleep better at night.

Sometimes, he'd come back to himself. Sometimes, he'd come out of the cold, memories of blue eyes and scuffed knees behind his eyelids, and scream. Or weep, like a child. And as his handlers had sent electronic pulses up his cybernetic arm that wrapped around his heart like a cold, dead fist all he'd been able to think was, _Steve would be so disappointed._

"Stevie?" he breathed. It was far easier to talk to the back of Steve's head. He was flying the jet, unable to turn around and look into Bucky's eyes. He didn't think he'd be able to say a single world if he had to look at Steve's eyes.

"Yeah, Buck?" Steve said, as if they were just a pair of teenagers again. He wished they could be, wished all this had never happened. Wished he'd died under torture like he should've done. Or died from the fall, down in the cold. 

"I'm--" How to get the words out? How to put all his guilt, his loathing into a single sentence? How could he possibly put all the thoughts in his whirring mind into words? Even if he managed it, what were the chances that Steve would care? Perhaps, a little voice in his head often whispered, Steve was only protecting him so he could deal with Bucky himself later. For all the personal betrayals. If that was the case, he hoped Steve would make it slow, show him what real pain felt like. Show him how weak he'd been, all this time. "Sorry."

Steve said nothing, so Bucky lowered his eyes. He inspected the floor, making patterns out of the little dots in the tiles, trying desperately to hear what Steve was thinking, as if that were possible.

"For what?" Steve said eventually. It was measured, almost stoic but for the slight waver in his tone. It was a good tactic, trying to get him to talk. List out all his sins so Steve could see what he really was. And then add as many as he deemed necessary, and punish him for those, too. 

Unfortunately, Bucky had far too many sins to count. So he remained quiet.

Steve sighed. "Buck, I'm always gonna look out for you. I'll always fight your corner, no matter the cost."

Bucky flinched. Another sin for his list, one he hadn't even really considered until now. Steve could get hurt defending him - he wasn't fighting enemies like Hydra, he was fighting his friends. Friends he had made in this new life of his, better friends than he was. All for Bucky. Steve could lose everything. Bucky knew for certain he wasn't worth that much trouble. He chastised himself for being so selfish.

"No - not that." Well, yes, also that. "For-" _being weak, betraying you_. Betrayal seemed like such a strong word. He couldn't even bring himself to say it, another testament to his own weakness. Another thing for his list. "- letting you down."

"You didn't let me down."

"Steve--"

"No," Steve said firmly. Bucky twisted his hands together, then forced them to remain pliant at his sides. He was not weak. "You didn't let me down. You fought. Every step of the way. You resisted for as long as you could." _Oh, Steve,_ Bucky thought. _If only that were true._

The shame in Bucky's chest was a dead weight, dragging him down. Steve, assuming he had tried his hardest. Thinking that Bucky had been strong enough to hold out under torture. Wrongfully, thinking he knew that Bucky was good on the inside. He had failed far too soon, offered himself up for them to use and control. He had given them everything they asked of him. Worse, he'd wanted to. Wanted to please them. And stupidly, wanted to make the pain go away. If only he'd been better, stronger...if only he'd been more like Steve.

"Hey, Buck?" Steve's voice was gentle, and Bucky's eyes welled with silent tears. He kept his head down and blinked them away. Steve did not need to see this weakness as well. "Nothing you could ever do is unforgivable to me."

For one incredible moment, Bucky felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He would fight for his freedom, do his penance however he could. And he would be strong. He would not disappoint Steve, not again. Not ever.


End file.
